


The Peculiarities of Lord Elrond's Family Tree

by holy_milk



Series: prompt memes/requests [9]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bad Humor, Gen, Humor, Maglor is Lindir, bilbo is so done with the elves, elrond's weird family tree, elrond's weird murderous relatives, i'm sorry i don't have any other kinds of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:40:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24621757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holy_milk/pseuds/holy_milk
Summary: Bilbo wants to learn more about Lord Elrond's family. He soon finds out that was a mistake.
Series: prompt memes/requests [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530497
Comments: 10
Kudos: 119





	The Peculiarities of Lord Elrond's Family Tree

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the ["50 Dialogue Prompts" meme](https://venwe.tumblr.com/post/620366035539902464/50-dialogue-prompts). The request was "It’s really not that complicated" + the kidnap family.
> 
> As you can see, I took some liberties with it.

“Wait. Hold on,” Bilbo rubbed his brow with his palm; he was already beginning to sweat. “I don’t understand.”

Elrond and Lindir exchanged glances.

“So what you’re saying is, your father,” the hobbit pointed at Elrond, “is Eärendil.”

“Precisely.”

“But Eärendil is a star.”

“That’s right.”

“So was he... named after the star? Or was the star named after him?”

“Neither,” Elrond explained patiently. “They’re one and the same. Eärendil is a man _and_ a star.”

Bilbo stared at the Lord of Imladris helplessly. It seemed to him that either the elf had a very poor grasp of astronomy, or Bilbo himself was too slow to catch up to what he was trying to explain.

“Alright, let’s forget about that,” the hobbit decided at last. It was too much for him. “You,” he pointed at Lindir. “Again, how related to Lord Elrond you said you were?”

" _Lindir_ is not related to Lord Elrond at all,” Lindir replied, and Bilbo blinked, baffled by his wording.

“ _You_ are Lindir,” he pointed out.

“Well,” Lindir cast a side-ways glance at Elrond. Elrond shrugged. “To _most_ people here I am, but _technically_ I’m Maglor, Elrond’s half-first cousin thrice removed. On his father’s side.”

“Great,” Bilbo massaged his temples, letting out a sigh of relief. Now that finally made sense. It seemed to be a rather complicated family tree, but he supposed that was to be expected, elves being immortal beings and all.

“He is also my father,” Elrond interjected, and Bilbo felt like screaming in frustration. 

“You said _Eärendil_ was your father!”

“My birth father. But is was Maglor who raised me after I lost my parents.”

“Oh,” Bilbo’s face fell. “I’m terribly sorry, my lord. I wasn’t aware your parents died.”

“Died?” Elrond looked baffled. “Oh no, not at all. My father had gone to sea long before the battle happened, and my mother flew away as a bird.”

“You mean like a bird?” Bilbo asked, hopeful.

“No. _As_ a bird. She jumped off a cliff and turned into a bird.”

The hobbit could already feel the headache beginning to swell.

“Why would she do that?” he mumbled.

Lindir—Maglor—suddenly looked sheepish.

“I’m afraid there was a misunderstanding,” he said. “She must have thought Maedhros was about to kill her. He would never do that! He only wanted to talk.”

“Who is Maedhros?” Bilbo asked.

“My brother,” Maglor replied. “Elrond’s adoptive uncle. Well, that’s how he called himself. I always hoped he would share in my fatherly responsibilities more. It’s hard being a single parent.”

“To be fair,” Elrond interjected, “my mother had a good reason to be afraid of Maedhros. She knew he was the one who had slain Dior.”

Maglor rubbed his neck, looking uncomfortable.

“Dior did slay Celegorm first, though,” he pointed out.

“Who is Dior? Who is Celegorm?” Bilbo was getting weary of asking.

“Celegorm is my brother,” Maglor replied, just as Elrond said, “Dior is my grandfather.”

The hobbit stared at the two elves, astounded. 

“Your relatives _killed_ each other?” he cried.

“Not _all_ of them,” Maglor replied indignantly and cleared his throat as he caught Elrond’s eyes. “But many of them, I admit.”

Bilbo groaned and hid his face in his hands, slumping forward.

“I can’t do this anymore,” he muttered. He peeked at the elves from between his fingers, looking miserable. “Let’s go over this again, shall we? Elrond and Lindir are unrelated, but Maglor—who is actually Lindir—is Elrond’s first cousin thrice removed, except he is also Elrond’s adoptive father, along with his brother Maedhros, except Maedhros never called himself Elrond’s father and had killed his grandfather. Am I getting it right?”

“ _Half_ -first cousin thrice removed,” Maglor corrected. “But you got the rest. See? It’s really not that complicated.”


End file.
